I Rant Therefore I Am by Dennis Miller

Author:Dennis Miller
Language: eng
Format: mobi
ISBN: 0385495358
Published: 2011-03-17T05:00:00+00:00

Skepticism

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but everyone's a skeptic these days, and if you don't believe me, well, you just proved my point.

You know from championship boxing matches to peace in Yugoslavia to powertrain warranties written in type smaller than an amoeba's dick on a cold day, Americans now approach everything with lower expectations than a lunchtime john at an "Everything's a Dollar" whorehouse.

Well, the fact is, we have to be skeptical. Think of your mind as a nightclub. Skepticism is the jaded doorman who keeps the riffraff from coming in and asking Bianca Jagger to slow-dance.

So skepticism does serve a purpose. On the other hand, our reflexive disbelief of what we're told by the political, social, and religious establishments leads us into an occasional unholy alliance with what can kindly be described as "foaming at the mouth psychotic lunatics." We like to think of ourselves as street-smart doubting Thomases who can't be fooled by those in power, but the truth is, we'll buy anything if it's packaged with the patchouli-scented whiff of quote "the alternative." Come on, folks, "Deepak Chopra" is Malaysian for Ron Popeil.

And speaking of Popeil... You know, you can wrap any bullshit product up in an infomercial with some British guy in a sweater almost as loud as he is and we'll accept it with the breathless, unquestioning faith of a fourteen-year-old girl answering a chain letter. "Hmmm ... Extracts the moisture out of a heretofore succulent piece of fruit, thereby rendering it better. Sure, I'll take two."

Look, the only way to get people to completely trust you is to speak entirely without any trappings of power. To speak with authority, you must abandon all authority. But that makes you an authority, which means you can't be trusted, which means you have no authority, which means you can be trusted. In other words, when there is no authority, everybody is an authority. You know, if this were 1968, I would be getting so laid with that.

I used to be a skeptic but not anymore, because now I am positive that I am getting screwed. I don't see the glass as half-empty or half-full. As a matter of fact, I don't even see the glass because the fucking kid at Pottery Barn who promised me the champagne flutes would be here in time for my Oscar party no doubt never even put the order in and I'm serving my guests Moet & Chandon in Welch's grape jelly jars commemorating the birth of Bamm Bamm Rubble.

And skepticism is everywhere. I took my nine-year-old to see the cartoon Anastasia. Afterward, I said, "What did you think?" He said, "She's definitely had a boob job."

Oh, it all starts to wear on you and when I need to refresh my gray tired soul from the ravages of skepticism, I look no further than the kindly face of Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Such faith. Such honesty. Doesn't lie, doesn't waver, just firmly believes in the healing power of death.

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